


last thoughts

by mtac_archivist



Category: NCIS
Genre: Drama, M/M, Not Episode Related, Not a Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-19
Updated: 2006-08-19
Packaged: 2019-03-02 06:57:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13312845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtac_archivist/pseuds/mtac_archivist
Summary: What can you do when love is gone?





	last thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Jessi, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [ MTAC](https://fanlore.org/wiki/MTAC), an archive of NCIS fanfiction which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after August 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator (and this work is still attached to the archivist account), please contact me using the e-mail address on [ the MTAC collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/mtac/profile)

How things could have turned so wrong so fast ? 

Five days ago everything was fine... no everything was great... he had found love...

It had been unexpected and he had been the first to be amazed when Gibbs had kissed him back that day. He did know why he had done that but one minute they were talking in the locker room after closing their last case... and a minute later they were kissing in the middle of the room. The passion they had shared since that moment had never faded.

One month... They had shared one month of stolen moments... of passionated nights...They had spent all their free time together... making love...talking...watching TV. For the first time in his life he had felt home with him, he had realized that first night that he belonged to this man heart and soul and nothing would ever change that...

He would cherish this moments all his life. Gibbs had loved him, had made him discover what it meant to be loved. He had told him he loved him and Tony had believed him. He had never believed it before... even when his mother told him those words he couldn’t believe it. But Gibbs would never have lied to him...

And before he had time to think about it those words had come out of his lips... “I love you too”... And God knows he meant it. He had let his heart talk for him... no second thought... no need to explain or justify things...It had been easy, natural.   
He was in love with this wonderful man and he had felt as if he was the luckiest man in the world.

The hardest thing had been to hide it from their friends. He could still hear Abby ask him why he was always smiling...”Because I’m happy, Abs”... What else could have he answered?  
He knew what he could have said... I’ve found the other part of my soul, I’ve met the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with...

Gibbs had given him what he didn’t even know was missing in his life. He had had many lovers but none of them had given him that kind of love... tenderness...  
Yes, Gibbs the hard ass, the bastard he sometimes claimed to be had given him tenderness... holding him when he had felt insecure and lost, wiping away the tears that had fallen the first time he had made love to him, showing him what he had missed all those years...

One month of pure happiness... They had even begun to make plans for their future life together. They were searching for a new house... Their house. Gibbs had even told him it would be a good idea to tell their friends that they were together.   
They had laughed thinking about their reactions... Abby would certainly scream and hug them for hours... McGee would probably stay silent his mouth wide open until someone remind him to shut it... Ducky would only smile because they were sure the older man had already guessed...

But it would never happen, noone would ever know what they had shared. Nobody would ever know that they had been two parts of the same soul. 

His love was gone... Gibbs had been killed... The only person he had loved had been shot at five days ago. Tony could still hear the sound of the bullet coming out of the gun...   
He knew that the man was about to shoot but he wasn’t worried because Gibbs was safe at the other side of the room. The gun was aimed at him but he ddin’t care. The only one who mattered at that moment was Gibbs. 

The man had pulled the trigger and Tony had felt someone pushing him away. He couldn’t have done that...He had fallen on the floor and Gibbs had followed him. He had taken him in his arms and Gibbs had opened his eyes.   
When he had seen his eyes he had understood…It was too late… this time there would be no second chance…

-Don’t talk, Jethro… You are going to be fine…  
He couldn’t believe his own words but he had to say them. He had to tell him there was still hope for him, for them.  
-Tony…  
-I’m here, Love.  
-Promise me…  
-Don’t talk, Love.  
-I need you… Promise me…  
-What, Love?  
-Never give up, Tony.  
-I love you, Jethro.

He had not promised, he couldn’t do that and he knew that Gibbs had known it too.  
-I love you, Tony…  
He had yelled at him but Gibbs couldn’t hear him…His eyes were closed, his mouth open but his heart had stopped…His love was gone.

He had lost more than a friend this day… More than a lover… He had lost a part of himself, a part he would never be able to live without.  
He had tried to go on. He had helped his friends, keeping his mask on. Noone needed to know that ha had nothing left, nothing woth living for. He had not cried at Gibbs’ burial…No tears could have lessened the pain. 

He had looked at the coffin but his thoughts were elsewhere… Gibbs was not here.  
He was lost in the memories of their life, of what they had shared… One month… It was all they had been given…   
Somewhere he knew he should be happy that he had been allowed to know what being loved could be… But it was so unfair…  
Gibbs had once told him that love could hurt but why ? It was not supposed to hurt and it was not supposed to end… never.

He had realized that day that he didn’t want it to end. He couldn’t face life without him. How could you live when you’ve lost a part of yourself, of your soul ? His friends had been here for him but they didn’t know and they couldn’t understand.

He had stayed with them after the ceremony, sharing memories with them. He had even smiled at one of Ducky’s story. He was good at hiding his true feelings. He had said goodbye to them late that night.

He had stayed in his car a moment looking at Ducky’s house where they had spent their last moments together. He knew they would be sad but they would forgive him eventually… He din’t care to be honest…They had been good friends but he couldn’t go on without Gibbs.

Now he was here in Gibbs’ living room, a picture in his right hand. They had taken it on a Sunday afternoon in the backyard. Tony had insisted because he wanted to have a picture of the two of them together. Gibbs was smiling… a true smile… one he gave only to him.

He had thought it would have been harder to take this decision but finally it was easy…He had only one more thing to do. He had thought about writing a letter but he wouldn’t know what to write. Noone needed to know why he had to do that. 

He took the picture and looked at the words they had writen on it. He knew his friends would understand.   
“Love, forever”. They were only words but the picture was telling the truth.

He put the picture on the coffee table and looked at his left hand. His gun… one bullet. Nothing would stop him now…soon they would be together forever. He knew what to do. There was no anger, no fear… not anymore.   
He was already dead. He had buried his heart with the man he had loved more than life itself. He smiled one last time at the picture on the coffee table.

-I hope you would forgive me, Love. I love you Jethro.

His last thoughts were for Gibbs…   
…and everything went black.


End file.
